Blessed.
Thats the only word I can think of when I look at my life right now. I never thought in a million years I'd be where I am today but now that I am, I couldn't be happier. It's taken a very long time and a lot of patience to get where I am today.
I have 2 months left til I become a mom and although, like I've mentioned, I'm scared, I know that things are going to be ok. Chad has been such a different person not only in the last year and a half, but knowing that we have our baby girl on the way, he seems like even more of a different person. We had some pictures taken a few weeks ago, and to just look at those pictures, I can't help but think how great our lives are going to be and how great they are now.
I think back to the days where we weren't as good as we are now and realize that we both needed the time to grow up and learn what we really wanted. I always knew I wanted him, but I also knew I didn't want to lose myself. Well, I found myself and got him back...as an adult who realized what was important in life. What did he want? I'm not 100% sure, but what he got was a reality check and a second chance to make our life right. And looking back I can say that even through all the hurt, it was worth it. It was worth the hard work and time spent apart to get where we are today.
They say that true love always finds its way back and I firmly believe that. Soon, we'll have a beautiful little girl and our lives will be even more perfect.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
So I'm slacking on this blogging thing. As much as I like to write, you think I'd have something everyday.
I'm getting closer to having our little princess and although I'm super excited for her to be here, I'm so nervous. I have so many questions and fears. I know I can't let that get in the way, but I just want to be a good mother. We finally decided on a name and although most of our friends and family like it..the one person that I look to the most hates it. I know it shouldn't matter because Rylee is going to be my child, I still wish my "mom" liked it. I don't know why it matters so much to me but it does.
But either way, she's still going to be a much loved child and that's all there is to that. Me and Chad got remarried again. That's a good feeling. We have been through so much and I'm so happy that we finally got everything figured out. It took a long time and a lot of growing up on both our parts, but I think we're finally on the right track with our lives together. He seems like he's a happier person than he was before and to see his face light up when he talks about or talk to Rylee just melts my heart. He's going to be a great daddy and I hope that he sees that.
He's my rock and who I lean on the most...I hope we never go through anything like we did ever again. I really hope for the happily ever after we deserve.
I'm getting closer to having our little princess and although I'm super excited for her to be here, I'm so nervous. I have so many questions and fears. I know I can't let that get in the way, but I just want to be a good mother. We finally decided on a name and although most of our friends and family like it..the one person that I look to the most hates it. I know it shouldn't matter because Rylee is going to be my child, I still wish my "mom" liked it. I don't know why it matters so much to me but it does.
But either way, she's still going to be a much loved child and that's all there is to that. Me and Chad got remarried again. That's a good feeling. We have been through so much and I'm so happy that we finally got everything figured out. It took a long time and a lot of growing up on both our parts, but I think we're finally on the right track with our lives together. He seems like he's a happier person than he was before and to see his face light up when he talks about or talk to Rylee just melts my heart. He's going to be a great daddy and I hope that he sees that.
He's my rock and who I lean on the most...I hope we never go through anything like we did ever again. I really hope for the happily ever after we deserve.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
music
I know that at some point, everyone has written about this. They write about the music that speaks to them, the music that explains them, songs that remind them of certain things or certain people and what I write about won't be much different.
I was driving around town on my days off a while back and came across several songs that at one point all meant something to me. Some went way back to high school and a couple went to just last year. As I sifted through them, I thought to myself how crazy it was that I let some of these songs almost control my thoughts. It's weird how you can let songs do that. There's something said in that song that makes you think, "wow, thats so me" when it just may really be you...or just what you wish was you. I listened to the words of a song while waiting at the red light and thought to myself how I was crazy! I actually took that song to mean something so different than it means to me today. How could I have let the words take me to such a different place?
I think back to a couple years ago when I had pretty much given up on everything that was important to me. I lost my morals and lost myself trying to figure out where I was and what it was that I wanted out of life. I had felt like I lost complete control and felt that I had no other options but to leave where I was behind. After I did so, I used the music to help me define things...from what I did was right, to what he did was wrong, to making excuses for things and acting like everything was fine. Little did most know it wasn't fine. I missed my life everyday I wasn't there. The other person was just there to fill the void and boy am I sorry for that. But I can't change the past and nothing will ever erase it..just like the songs I thought meant so much...the words will never change and they won't go away but I can use them, just like my past to make myself better.
I was driving around town on my days off a while back and came across several songs that at one point all meant something to me. Some went way back to high school and a couple went to just last year. As I sifted through them, I thought to myself how crazy it was that I let some of these songs almost control my thoughts. It's weird how you can let songs do that. There's something said in that song that makes you think, "wow, thats so me" when it just may really be you...or just what you wish was you. I listened to the words of a song while waiting at the red light and thought to myself how I was crazy! I actually took that song to mean something so different than it means to me today. How could I have let the words take me to such a different place?
I think back to a couple years ago when I had pretty much given up on everything that was important to me. I lost my morals and lost myself trying to figure out where I was and what it was that I wanted out of life. I had felt like I lost complete control and felt that I had no other options but to leave where I was behind. After I did so, I used the music to help me define things...from what I did was right, to what he did was wrong, to making excuses for things and acting like everything was fine. Little did most know it wasn't fine. I missed my life everyday I wasn't there. The other person was just there to fill the void and boy am I sorry for that. But I can't change the past and nothing will ever erase it..just like the songs I thought meant so much...the words will never change and they won't go away but I can use them, just like my past to make myself better.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Stresses
So I'm sitting here at work. A place that I don't particularly care for anymore simply because I'm tired of working shift work with a passion inside of me that can't be described. I miss having a day job where I could wake up and go to bed at normal hours. I am so unbelievably sick of working this crap. I don't know what it's going to take to get a day job but I wish it would happen already. I know that God will put me where he wants me but geez, I wish he would put somewhere quickly.
On top of hating this shift work and job, I'm starting to realize how soon my baby will arrive and it scares the hell out of me! Everyone keeps telling me I'll be a good mommy and I believe I will too, it's just will I do it right? It's a whole new experience and I'm nervous. I'm starting to feel her move and it's such a wake up call everytime she does. I've wanted this for a long time now and it's really here. I didn't think I'd really ever have kids.
My other stress....my dog. I can't even begin to think about getting rid of her, but she's causing herself a lot of problems. She's digging holes and for the love of crap I can't figure out why. She's getting enough attention...We've been babying her the last couple of days just to make sure..and what does she do? She digs a hole right where she dug before. She was out all day long and was able to play and run the yards...so why is she digging? All I do know is that if she doesn't stop, he says I'm gonna have to get rid of her. Well, why should I have to do it? It's his yard, his dog. He can get rid of her. I'm not. I just don't know where this is coming from or why she's doing it and it's so frustrating because she's our baby...she's Jada. We've had her from 6 wks old and she's now 4. I just can't imagine not having her there. She's our little shadow. ugh, I'm so heartbroken...I just don't know what to do.
On top of hating this shift work and job, I'm starting to realize how soon my baby will arrive and it scares the hell out of me! Everyone keeps telling me I'll be a good mommy and I believe I will too, it's just will I do it right? It's a whole new experience and I'm nervous. I'm starting to feel her move and it's such a wake up call everytime she does. I've wanted this for a long time now and it's really here. I didn't think I'd really ever have kids.
My other stress....my dog. I can't even begin to think about getting rid of her, but she's causing herself a lot of problems. She's digging holes and for the love of crap I can't figure out why. She's getting enough attention...We've been babying her the last couple of days just to make sure..and what does she do? She digs a hole right where she dug before. She was out all day long and was able to play and run the yards...so why is she digging? All I do know is that if she doesn't stop, he says I'm gonna have to get rid of her. Well, why should I have to do it? It's his yard, his dog. He can get rid of her. I'm not. I just don't know where this is coming from or why she's doing it and it's so frustrating because she's our baby...she's Jada. We've had her from 6 wks old and she's now 4. I just can't imagine not having her there. She's our little shadow. ugh, I'm so heartbroken...I just don't know what to do.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The Family....all sides of em
Well today we went to the dr and heard the heartbeat again for our little plum. We still don't know what it is and hope to find out something Saturday. But as I go through all this pain, weight gain, and stress of becoming a new mommy, I'm also trying to deal with family. I completely understand that it's the first grandchild/great grandchild for everyone but I just wish they would take all of that into account.
We're doing this thing Saturday as a way to include everyone without me having to bring someone to the drs office with me every time I go or having to have someone's feelings hurt because they didn't get to go to the right appointment. This is just the easiest way to do things on me without having to get ugly about it.
But also at the same time, I'm getting tired of feeling like crap every time I get questioned about why I didn't do this or tell them about that. I mean, I have a life that doesn't include every single member of my family or his. I shouldn't have to inform everyone that I went to pee 15x today because of the baby. Or that I got sick because the baby doesn't like mixed berry yogurt. If I choose to announce it to the world, I will...but if I don't, please don't send me nasty txt messages and emails or fb posts asking why you weren't told anything. I'll tell you why...because I DON'T HAVE TO!!!
I just don't know how to handle all of this. It would be different if the "attention" (if thats what you want to call it) was..well different. It feels like they don't have anything better to wait for than to see what the little person inside of me is doing at all freaking times of the day. Am I being unreasonable about all of this? I mean, I know this is an exciting time for everyone, but I just want to be left alone until there's something to bring up. I feel like I shouldn't have to give an update to everyone every single day. If I go to the dr, I'll update you. If we have an U/S, I'll update you...but why do they insist on asking every chance they get how their niece/nephew is doing? Guess what? I DON'T KNOW! It's there, it's growing, what more do you want to know?
Ok, I feel awful for feeling this way, I won't lie...but I guess I'm just not used to the nosiness I'm experiencing. I haven't had to deal with it in such a long time and I haven't really had anything this major happen...I mean, they didn't even act this way when we got married....ugh...
*sigh*
We're doing this thing Saturday as a way to include everyone without me having to bring someone to the drs office with me every time I go or having to have someone's feelings hurt because they didn't get to go to the right appointment. This is just the easiest way to do things on me without having to get ugly about it.
But also at the same time, I'm getting tired of feeling like crap every time I get questioned about why I didn't do this or tell them about that. I mean, I have a life that doesn't include every single member of my family or his. I shouldn't have to inform everyone that I went to pee 15x today because of the baby. Or that I got sick because the baby doesn't like mixed berry yogurt. If I choose to announce it to the world, I will...but if I don't, please don't send me nasty txt messages and emails or fb posts asking why you weren't told anything. I'll tell you why...because I DON'T HAVE TO!!!
I just don't know how to handle all of this. It would be different if the "attention" (if thats what you want to call it) was..well different. It feels like they don't have anything better to wait for than to see what the little person inside of me is doing at all freaking times of the day. Am I being unreasonable about all of this? I mean, I know this is an exciting time for everyone, but I just want to be left alone until there's something to bring up. I feel like I shouldn't have to give an update to everyone every single day. If I go to the dr, I'll update you. If we have an U/S, I'll update you...but why do they insist on asking every chance they get how their niece/nephew is doing? Guess what? I DON'T KNOW! It's there, it's growing, what more do you want to know?
Ok, I feel awful for feeling this way, I won't lie...but I guess I'm just not used to the nosiness I'm experiencing. I haven't had to deal with it in such a long time and I haven't really had anything this major happen...I mean, they didn't even act this way when we got married....ugh...
*sigh*
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Freedom
Don't let the title fool you..there's not a hidden meaning by it. It's just that I finally talked to the "boss" at my part time job and I'm FREE!!! haha. I wrote him an email explaining my concerns with my schedule and told him that if in the future it could not be fixed, then I would have to resign....and he wrote me back saying he was going ahead and accepting my resignation. Well, I thought maybe his misunderstood my email so I called him. Told him what I meant when I wrote it and being the conceited jerk that he is, was like "oh, no, I didn't misunderstand. I'm just gonna need someone more flexible so I'm gonna go ahead and take this as your resignation." Ok. Fine with me. I don't have to work with you or your rumor starting employees anymore!!! I am soooo excited. Now I can focus on much better things...like getting things around my house done and preparing myself for this baby. I plan on sleeping a lot in the next couple of months. Hope the man can deal with that!!!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Ignorance...
Ok, so I work a part-time job as well as a full time job. My full time job takes a lot out of me due to the fact it's shift work and now even more so because of the pregnancy. I love my job, but I wish so much for a straight day job with holdiays and weekends off.
Now it seems as I start this part-time job, that things are going to take much more out of me without my consent. I signed up for this pt job thinking it would only be 1 or 2 days a week. It appears that I was very wrong. This job is also shift work and while I don't mind 12 hours shifts, they happen to also work 24 hr shifts. I got here today and talked with one of the senior full time workers here and it has been brought to my attention (which I had already seen the schedule but obviously didn't notice) that I'm scheduled to work days that are impossible and also scheduled for a shift that I specifically asked not to work which would be 24 hrs. I know that a 24 hr shift would be better because you'd work it and be done, but I physically just can't do it. 12 hrs are hard enough on my body and my mind. I would go crazy sitting here for 24 hrs.
But on top of that, I'm getting more hours here than full time workers and I don't agree with that in the least. I know that the other girls know it's not my fault, but I didn't come here to step on anyones toes and I sure as hell didn't sign up for this crap where the one in charge doesn't listen to his employees about what is best for them. We work the hours and we know whats best for us. Tonight makes my 5th night in a row to work. Why? Because he didn't look at my full time schedule to see what it was...he just looks at the days that say "OFF" on them and makes the schedule. The other day that is impossible is a night shift with me starting my day shifts at the full time job the next morning. Hello? Can't happen. And the 24 hour shift was changed without my knowledge and I wasn't asked if it was something I could do. I mean, how do you change a part timers schedule without even asking them?
And I know that I seem to gripe about it a lot especially to hubby and I know he's probably tired of hearing about it, and I don't want to disappoint him with me quitting especially so soon but I just don't agree with what the boss is doing here and I don't have to work here. I'm doing them a favor by signing up and this is secondary. I don't need this job or the crap they keep trying.
My delimma is that I don't know what to do or say. I don't want to be rude but at the same time, no one is asking me what I can do or what is good for me. I'm working all of this in between trying to spend time with my husband, going to dr appts, working a full time job and trying to have somewhat of a life. I'm tired and stressed and my body aches. I don't need all of this. I don't really want to upset anyone and I know that I shouldnt care but I do...because that's how I am.
And honestly, it doesn't even end there. Not only was it brought to my attention when I started here, but it was brought to my attention again today that I'm the center of a couple of rumors up here. What is it with everyone and their damn rumors. Are you people so damn shallow that you have to start crap with the new girl. Get the eff over it already. I'm happy where I am, I didn't do the things that were said, and I sure as hell don't want to get with a stupid ass fire fighter. SORRY!! Not my cup of tea. Thanks. I am very much in love with my COP!!!!! I am just so aggravated.
And what do I say? How do I go about telling this boss that I can't work the certain days and how I feel about it without being a bitch about it? I've already started a letter but it doesnt seem to matter how I word it, it just sounds rude. And does it even really matter? If I write him with these concerns will it even matter and will anything be done to change it? From what I'm hearing, no it won't. I just hate this and I want to quit so bad. I've never really wanted out of something more than I have this. *SIGH*
Now it seems as I start this part-time job, that things are going to take much more out of me without my consent. I signed up for this pt job thinking it would only be 1 or 2 days a week. It appears that I was very wrong. This job is also shift work and while I don't mind 12 hours shifts, they happen to also work 24 hr shifts. I got here today and talked with one of the senior full time workers here and it has been brought to my attention (which I had already seen the schedule but obviously didn't notice) that I'm scheduled to work days that are impossible and also scheduled for a shift that I specifically asked not to work which would be 24 hrs. I know that a 24 hr shift would be better because you'd work it and be done, but I physically just can't do it. 12 hrs are hard enough on my body and my mind. I would go crazy sitting here for 24 hrs.
But on top of that, I'm getting more hours here than full time workers and I don't agree with that in the least. I know that the other girls know it's not my fault, but I didn't come here to step on anyones toes and I sure as hell didn't sign up for this crap where the one in charge doesn't listen to his employees about what is best for them. We work the hours and we know whats best for us. Tonight makes my 5th night in a row to work. Why? Because he didn't look at my full time schedule to see what it was...he just looks at the days that say "OFF" on them and makes the schedule. The other day that is impossible is a night shift with me starting my day shifts at the full time job the next morning. Hello? Can't happen. And the 24 hour shift was changed without my knowledge and I wasn't asked if it was something I could do. I mean, how do you change a part timers schedule without even asking them?
And I know that I seem to gripe about it a lot especially to hubby and I know he's probably tired of hearing about it, and I don't want to disappoint him with me quitting especially so soon but I just don't agree with what the boss is doing here and I don't have to work here. I'm doing them a favor by signing up and this is secondary. I don't need this job or the crap they keep trying.
My delimma is that I don't know what to do or say. I don't want to be rude but at the same time, no one is asking me what I can do or what is good for me. I'm working all of this in between trying to spend time with my husband, going to dr appts, working a full time job and trying to have somewhat of a life. I'm tired and stressed and my body aches. I don't need all of this. I don't really want to upset anyone and I know that I shouldnt care but I do...because that's how I am.
And honestly, it doesn't even end there. Not only was it brought to my attention when I started here, but it was brought to my attention again today that I'm the center of a couple of rumors up here. What is it with everyone and their damn rumors. Are you people so damn shallow that you have to start crap with the new girl. Get the eff over it already. I'm happy where I am, I didn't do the things that were said, and I sure as hell don't want to get with a stupid ass fire fighter. SORRY!! Not my cup of tea. Thanks. I am very much in love with my COP!!!!! I am just so aggravated.
And what do I say? How do I go about telling this boss that I can't work the certain days and how I feel about it without being a bitch about it? I've already started a letter but it doesnt seem to matter how I word it, it just sounds rude. And does it even really matter? If I write him with these concerns will it even matter and will anything be done to change it? From what I'm hearing, no it won't. I just hate this and I want to quit so bad. I've never really wanted out of something more than I have this. *SIGH*
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Karma...or a little taste of revenge
Welp, sometimes I think I have the best means to information ever. There's nothing better than knowing information about a person you don't particularly care for. And although it's not right to take pleasure it in, I take more pleasure out of it than ever.
See it starts with a girl in my past. She showed her face in my life about 5 1/2 yrs ago when me and the man got together. She was one of those girls that worked at the cleaners so she always saw him and they became friends...and then it went from friends to her being obsessed. So, he goes out with a friend our old roommate and the friend decides he wants to drive to florida....with her in the back seat. So, she gets a guilty conscious and decides to write me a message on myspace to tell me all about it and how WE don't deserve what he's put us through....well me and him work through it, they quit talking and we move on....
Now let's fast forward a few years to recent times. Somehow, they became friends again several years later. So, bam, she's back in my life along with several other people I could bury without a problem...but anyway, we separated due to issues I refused to deal with and she again became obsessed but at the same time, tries to be my friend in the process. She kept me on the phone for 3 hours one night telling me how much he missed me and if we could just work things out we'd be so much better...blah blah blah...and here I am, the kind of person who tries to give everyone a chance because it's the right thing to do and I try to be friends back with her without the knowledge of what's really going on. She's a jealous person who didn't like anyone he had a thing with or talked to. She let me know of everything he was doing and had even become "friends" with one of the girls that caused our problems to begin with to "get information" from her to tell me. I mean, jeez what kind of person is this that I'm dealing with? So as time progresses and me and him develop a new friendship after almost a year of no contact, she tries yet once again to get herself in the middle of our lives.
She started blowing up my phone, sending me messages telling me how much she loved him and how you don't just get over people so easily and yada yada yada....crap I care less to hear about. Basically, she's a trouble maker who will try to ruin everyone else's life because she doesn't have one of her own.
She made up lies and told stories to him to make him mad at me and to get him to a point where he didn't want to talk to me..she even started problems with his family. You just don't do stuff like that to people that you care about let alone with their family. That's just wrong. Well, after a time of listening to her crap I finally explained to her that me and him would be starting our lives over again and she needed to get out of ours. Well that was a problem for him and her. I still can't understand for the life of me why he wishes to speak to her at all. She has caused so many problems for so many people...I'll never understand why he still talks to her...but the whole point of this story....
I have recently discovered that this female (its the nicest word I can come up with)...oh lets just say that certain things willing, she will be indisposed for a short time..and it could only be for an hour but still, it would just MAKE MY DAY!!!! Uh, I hope I'm the first one to hear it. She is such trash. I also found out that she's already been to jail for stealing...lord knows what she's stolen from him. I'm sure he doesnt even know what she's taken from our house...I'm sure there's things missing somewhere...especially money...because she doesnt work..go figure. Such winners he has in life. Such winners.
So here's to me and my little smidge of knowledge that I know. I hope that I can be the one to alert the right people to get her. That would be some SWEET REVENGE and I would love every minute of it.
See it starts with a girl in my past. She showed her face in my life about 5 1/2 yrs ago when me and the man got together. She was one of those girls that worked at the cleaners so she always saw him and they became friends...and then it went from friends to her being obsessed. So, he goes out with a friend our old roommate and the friend decides he wants to drive to florida....with her in the back seat. So, she gets a guilty conscious and decides to write me a message on myspace to tell me all about it and how WE don't deserve what he's put us through....well me and him work through it, they quit talking and we move on....
Now let's fast forward a few years to recent times. Somehow, they became friends again several years later. So, bam, she's back in my life along with several other people I could bury without a problem...but anyway, we separated due to issues I refused to deal with and she again became obsessed but at the same time, tries to be my friend in the process. She kept me on the phone for 3 hours one night telling me how much he missed me and if we could just work things out we'd be so much better...blah blah blah...and here I am, the kind of person who tries to give everyone a chance because it's the right thing to do and I try to be friends back with her without the knowledge of what's really going on. She's a jealous person who didn't like anyone he had a thing with or talked to. She let me know of everything he was doing and had even become "friends" with one of the girls that caused our problems to begin with to "get information" from her to tell me. I mean, jeez what kind of person is this that I'm dealing with? So as time progresses and me and him develop a new friendship after almost a year of no contact, she tries yet once again to get herself in the middle of our lives.
She started blowing up my phone, sending me messages telling me how much she loved him and how you don't just get over people so easily and yada yada yada....crap I care less to hear about. Basically, she's a trouble maker who will try to ruin everyone else's life because she doesn't have one of her own.
She made up lies and told stories to him to make him mad at me and to get him to a point where he didn't want to talk to me..she even started problems with his family. You just don't do stuff like that to people that you care about let alone with their family. That's just wrong. Well, after a time of listening to her crap I finally explained to her that me and him would be starting our lives over again and she needed to get out of ours. Well that was a problem for him and her. I still can't understand for the life of me why he wishes to speak to her at all. She has caused so many problems for so many people...I'll never understand why he still talks to her...but the whole point of this story....
I have recently discovered that this female (its the nicest word I can come up with)...oh lets just say that certain things willing, she will be indisposed for a short time..and it could only be for an hour but still, it would just MAKE MY DAY!!!! Uh, I hope I'm the first one to hear it. She is such trash. I also found out that she's already been to jail for stealing...lord knows what she's stolen from him. I'm sure he doesnt even know what she's taken from our house...I'm sure there's things missing somewhere...especially money...because she doesnt work..go figure. Such winners he has in life. Such winners.
So here's to me and my little smidge of knowledge that I know. I hope that I can be the one to alert the right people to get her. That would be some SWEET REVENGE and I would love every minute of it.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
An old one but one that I love...
You Learn.
You Live.
You love.
You are taught in life to learn from your experiences and from those around you. You learn your abcs, 123s, may I and please. You learn early on that life isn't always fair. You learn that no matter what, someone will always be better than you.
You learn as you get older, what the word "friend" really means. You learn to decide for yourself who will always be there for you and who won't. You learn to let some go and let some in. You learn that as you let some go, that even though it hurts, it's probably for the best. You learn who you should trust and who you shouldn't. You figure out that even though you trust some more than you should, that people really do stab you in the back. That some had alterior motives in being your friend or never really had intentions on really being a friend. You'll have to learn to deal with that kind of pain too. You'll learn that in life, you'll lose loved ones and that the pain of that never goes away.
In life, you learn who you are and learn what it is you want to be. You learn how hard it is to get by everyday, you learn that things will hardly ever go the way you want them to. Nobody asked you how you wanted to live. Life doesn't come to you on a silver platter and there's no one that can make it any easier on you. Sometimes it sucks and that's all there is to it.
When it comes to life, you wake up, you live day to day by the things you have learned. You get up, start your routine. Brush your teeth, brush your hair, get dressed and face the world in front of you. If you have morals, you remember to keep those close to you and live by those on a daily basis. When it comes to living, you take with you the examples that have been placed in front of you and try to get an outcome either just the same or better. We make mistakes and we try to always remember the mistakes so we can make them right in the future. In life, you learn how to push yourself everyday so that you make yourself a better person, not only for yourself but for others in your life and for those who look up to you. You learn to put a smile on your face because a smile is better than a frown and that no matter what you're going through, a smile will help you get through some of your toughest times. We forget how often our faith gets weaker due to the tougher the times..but we learn..
We live...
We love...
In the nasty game of love, you learn what it means to give your heart away, and learn how to take it back. We learn that giving away a heart isn't so bad...until it's broken. You learn that sometimes, loving someone isn't always enough. You learn that no matter how much you love someone, you can't make them love you back and if you don't love them, you can't make yourself feel ways that you don't. You learn who truly loves you and who doesn't. You learn that if they never loved you, there was no point in it at all. Remember that sometimes we cant help but love those that destroy us.
But, when it comes to love, you realize just how good it can make you feel. You can see just how good it can be for your soul. Sometimes loving someone makes you feel better about yourself and the person that you are when you are with them. If someone truly loves you, then they love the flaws too..they see past them and see the person you truly are. There's no better feeling than that kind of love. There's nothing better than knowing that you have someone in your life who makes you a better person inside and out, and that just maybe, you make that person feel better too. That they feel like a better person because of who they are when they are with you. You never learn how to stop loving.
You never learn how to stop learning.
You never learn how to stop living.
There's no rule book on life. There's no rule book on love. And, there's no rule book on how to learn, you just do by your experiences, by your trials, and by your faith in all that exists.
*That's why they say you live, your learn, you love.*
You Live.
You love.
You are taught in life to learn from your experiences and from those around you. You learn your abcs, 123s, may I and please. You learn early on that life isn't always fair. You learn that no matter what, someone will always be better than you.
You learn as you get older, what the word "friend" really means. You learn to decide for yourself who will always be there for you and who won't. You learn to let some go and let some in. You learn that as you let some go, that even though it hurts, it's probably for the best. You learn who you should trust and who you shouldn't. You figure out that even though you trust some more than you should, that people really do stab you in the back. That some had alterior motives in being your friend or never really had intentions on really being a friend. You'll have to learn to deal with that kind of pain too. You'll learn that in life, you'll lose loved ones and that the pain of that never goes away.
In life, you learn who you are and learn what it is you want to be. You learn how hard it is to get by everyday, you learn that things will hardly ever go the way you want them to. Nobody asked you how you wanted to live. Life doesn't come to you on a silver platter and there's no one that can make it any easier on you. Sometimes it sucks and that's all there is to it.
When it comes to life, you wake up, you live day to day by the things you have learned. You get up, start your routine. Brush your teeth, brush your hair, get dressed and face the world in front of you. If you have morals, you remember to keep those close to you and live by those on a daily basis. When it comes to living, you take with you the examples that have been placed in front of you and try to get an outcome either just the same or better. We make mistakes and we try to always remember the mistakes so we can make them right in the future. In life, you learn how to push yourself everyday so that you make yourself a better person, not only for yourself but for others in your life and for those who look up to you. You learn to put a smile on your face because a smile is better than a frown and that no matter what you're going through, a smile will help you get through some of your toughest times. We forget how often our faith gets weaker due to the tougher the times..but we learn..
We live...
We love...
In the nasty game of love, you learn what it means to give your heart away, and learn how to take it back. We learn that giving away a heart isn't so bad...until it's broken. You learn that sometimes, loving someone isn't always enough. You learn that no matter how much you love someone, you can't make them love you back and if you don't love them, you can't make yourself feel ways that you don't. You learn who truly loves you and who doesn't. You learn that if they never loved you, there was no point in it at all. Remember that sometimes we cant help but love those that destroy us.
But, when it comes to love, you realize just how good it can make you feel. You can see just how good it can be for your soul. Sometimes loving someone makes you feel better about yourself and the person that you are when you are with them. If someone truly loves you, then they love the flaws too..they see past them and see the person you truly are. There's no better feeling than that kind of love. There's nothing better than knowing that you have someone in your life who makes you a better person inside and out, and that just maybe, you make that person feel better too. That they feel like a better person because of who they are when they are with you. You never learn how to stop loving.
You never learn how to stop learning.
You never learn how to stop living.
There's no rule book on life. There's no rule book on love. And, there's no rule book on how to learn, you just do by your experiences, by your trials, and by your faith in all that exists.
*That's why they say you live, your learn, you love.*
Friday, February 4, 2011
Ok, now that my introduction is out of the way....
I'm sitting at work and have about a million things going through my head at all times. So many, that I'm not sure exactly where to start. I guess I'll start with my present issue. I'm about 14 weeks into my first pregnancy and although I'm happy and I wanted this...I'm terrified out of my freakin mind and no one knows it...well, I'm sure someone will now, but the people who are closest to me don't. There's no reason to freak them out with all my worrying and questioning. I'm supposed to be excited about this and I find myself trying to make myself excited. Maybe it's because I don't know what I'm having or maybe because I've only been to the dr once since we found out and I have no clue whats going on. I hate to say it, but I'm a glass half empty kind of person. Not very optimistic...and I have this fear that although I've heard a heartbeat, things could always not work out and me never know it.
I hate to say that, but it happens so often without warning signs...I go back to the dr on Valentines day, and I hope that there will be good news...if for some reason it's bad, Valentines day will definitely go in the books as the most hated "holiday" ever...I'm already not a big fan of it anyway...totally over-rated. And the significant other doesn't always help either. He doesn't like to think before he speaks and although the things he's said has been jokingly, they still kind of hurt simply because I already feel like an unattractive pregnant girl and I have this nagging fear of the past repeating itself. We've come a long way in the last year, but my heart will never heal from the pain he caused and I'm scared that I may become something he won't want after our child arrives. Will I still be "pretty" to him? He never says it now so will I hear it then? Oh here go the hormones...really?
I know that I should pray about it, but I'm tired of praying about it. I feel so selfish when I pray about those kind of things. I feel like I have no right to pray for myself when there's better things to pray about. I need to pray for others and for world peace...its just selfish to pray for myself when there's so much wrong with everything else. I also have this fear that my want to be a mother won't make me a good mother. I know that this doesnt come with a handbook and I know how I want to raise my child, but can I do it? Can I do it as well as my Aunt did with me? Just so many thoughts and so many fears. Oh and to top some of that off, and trust me I know I shouldn't feel this way, but have you ever felt guilty for having something someone else can't? I do. One of my best friends is having trouble and I feel so guilty that I'm getting to experience this and she isn't. She almost did and had complications which is what I fear with myself, but I really do feel guilty that it's me and not her having this little miracle. I know her time will come when it's supposed to, but I can see the pain it brings her and thats why it hurts me. It's hard for me to talk to her about any of it because I know what she's feeling...I can see it in her eyes.
HMM....how do I make some of this get better? How do I cope with my fears and let them go and how do I make myself feel ok around my friend whose hurting?
I'm sitting at work and have about a million things going through my head at all times. So many, that I'm not sure exactly where to start. I guess I'll start with my present issue. I'm about 14 weeks into my first pregnancy and although I'm happy and I wanted this...I'm terrified out of my freakin mind and no one knows it...well, I'm sure someone will now, but the people who are closest to me don't. There's no reason to freak them out with all my worrying and questioning. I'm supposed to be excited about this and I find myself trying to make myself excited. Maybe it's because I don't know what I'm having or maybe because I've only been to the dr once since we found out and I have no clue whats going on. I hate to say it, but I'm a glass half empty kind of person. Not very optimistic...and I have this fear that although I've heard a heartbeat, things could always not work out and me never know it.
I hate to say that, but it happens so often without warning signs...I go back to the dr on Valentines day, and I hope that there will be good news...if for some reason it's bad, Valentines day will definitely go in the books as the most hated "holiday" ever...I'm already not a big fan of it anyway...totally over-rated. And the significant other doesn't always help either. He doesn't like to think before he speaks and although the things he's said has been jokingly, they still kind of hurt simply because I already feel like an unattractive pregnant girl and I have this nagging fear of the past repeating itself. We've come a long way in the last year, but my heart will never heal from the pain he caused and I'm scared that I may become something he won't want after our child arrives. Will I still be "pretty" to him? He never says it now so will I hear it then? Oh here go the hormones...really?
I know that I should pray about it, but I'm tired of praying about it. I feel so selfish when I pray about those kind of things. I feel like I have no right to pray for myself when there's better things to pray about. I need to pray for others and for world peace...its just selfish to pray for myself when there's so much wrong with everything else. I also have this fear that my want to be a mother won't make me a good mother. I know that this doesnt come with a handbook and I know how I want to raise my child, but can I do it? Can I do it as well as my Aunt did with me? Just so many thoughts and so many fears. Oh and to top some of that off, and trust me I know I shouldn't feel this way, but have you ever felt guilty for having something someone else can't? I do. One of my best friends is having trouble and I feel so guilty that I'm getting to experience this and she isn't. She almost did and had complications which is what I fear with myself, but I really do feel guilty that it's me and not her having this little miracle. I know her time will come when it's supposed to, but I can see the pain it brings her and thats why it hurts me. It's hard for me to talk to her about any of it because I know what she's feeling...I can see it in her eyes.
HMM....how do I make some of this get better? How do I cope with my fears and let them go and how do I make myself feel ok around my friend whose hurting?
I hope for this to be a place for me to share my thoughts or to write things without judgment. I like to write and get my thoughts down somewhere...sometimes there's a deep meaning and sometimes its just to vent. Either way, to me, it's a way to deal with things other than "talking". A lot of times it helps me more to write it down and to never speak of it than it ever will talking about it. I hope to pass along past experiences, present times and question my future (which by the way is totally freaking me out). I think I will find this better therapy than retail therapy!! :)
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