Karma...or a little taste of revenge

Welp, sometimes I think I have the best means to information ever. There's nothing better than knowing information about a person you don't particularly care for. And although it's not right to take pleasure it in, I take more pleasure out of it than ever.

See it starts with a girl in my past. She showed her face in my life about 5 1/2 yrs ago when me and the man got together. She was one of those girls that worked at the cleaners so she always saw him and they became friends...and then it went from friends to her being obsessed. So, he goes out with a friend our old roommate and the friend decides he wants to drive to florida....with her in the back seat. So, she gets a guilty conscious and decides to write me a message on myspace to tell me all about it and how WE don't deserve what he's put us through....well me and him work through it, they quit talking and we move on....


Now let's fast forward a few years to recent times. Somehow, they became friends again several years later. So, bam, she's back in my life along with several other people I could bury without a problem...but anyway, we separated due to issues I refused to deal with and she again became obsessed but at the same time, tries to be my friend in the process. She kept me on the phone for 3 hours one night telling me how much he missed me and if we could just work things out we'd be so much better...blah blah blah...and here I am, the kind of person who tries to give everyone a chance because it's the right thing to do and I try to be friends back with her without the knowledge of what's really going on. She's a jealous person who didn't like anyone he had a thing with or talked to. She let me know of everything he was doing and had even become "friends" with one of the girls that caused our problems to begin with to "get information" from her to tell me. I mean, jeez what kind of person is this that I'm dealing with? So as time progresses and me and him develop a new friendship after almost a year of no contact, she tries yet once again to get herself in the middle of our lives.
 She started blowing up my phone, sending me messages telling me how much she loved him and how you don't just get over people so easily and yada yada yada....crap I care less to hear about. Basically, she's a trouble maker who will try to ruin everyone else's life because she doesn't have one of her own.



She made up lies and told stories to him to make him mad at me and to get him to a point where he didn't want to talk to me..she even started problems with his family. You just don't do stuff like that to people that you care about let alone with their family. That's just wrong. Well, after a time of listening to her crap I finally explained to her that me and him would be starting our lives over again and she needed to get out of ours. Well that was a problem for him and her. I still can't understand for the life of me why he wishes to speak to her at all. She has caused so many problems for so many people...I'll never understand why he still talks to her...but the whole point of this story....
I have recently discovered that this female (its the nicest word I can come up with)...oh lets just say that certain things willing, she will be indisposed for a short time..and it could only be for an hour but still, it would just MAKE MY DAY!!!! Uh, I hope I'm the first one to hear it. She is such trash. I also found out that she's already been to jail for stealing...lord knows what she's stolen from him. I'm sure he doesnt even know what she's taken from our house...I'm sure there's things missing somewhere...especially money...because she doesnt work..go figure. Such winners he has in life. Such winners.
So here's to me and my little smidge of knowledge that I know. I hope that I can be the one to alert the right people to get her. That would be some SWEET REVENGE and I would love every minute of it. 

An old one but one that I love...

You Learn.
       You Live.
              You love.

    You are taught in life to learn from your experiences and from those around you. You learn your abcs, 123s, may I and please. You learn early on that life isn't always fair. You learn that no matter what, someone will always be better than you.
    You learn as you get older, what the word "friend" really means. You learn to decide for yourself who will always be there for you and who won't. You learn to let some go and let some in. You learn that as you let some go, that even though it hurts, it's probably for the best. You learn who you should trust and who you shouldn't. You figure out that even though you trust some more than you should, that people really do stab you in the back. That some had alterior motives in being your friend or never really had intentions on really being a friend. You'll have to learn to deal with that kind of pain too. You'll learn that in life, you'll lose loved ones and that the pain of that never goes away.
    In life, you learn who you are and learn what it is you want to be. You learn how hard it is to get by everyday, you learn that things will hardly ever go the way you want them to. Nobody asked you how you wanted to live. Life doesn't come to you on a silver platter and there's no one that can make it any easier on you. Sometimes it sucks and that's all there is to it.
    When it comes to life, you wake up, you live day to day by the things you have learned. You get up, start your routine. Brush your teeth, brush your hair, get dressed and face the world in front of you. If you have morals, you remember to keep those close to you and live by those on a daily basis. When it comes to living, you take with you the examples that have been placed in front of you and try to get an outcome either just the same or better. We make mistakes and we try to always remember the mistakes so we can make them right in the future. In life, you learn how to push yourself everyday so that you make yourself a better person, not only for yourself but for others in your life and for those who look up to you. You learn to put a smile on your face because a smile is better than a frown and that no matter what you're going through, a smile will help you get through some of your toughest times. We forget how often our faith gets weaker due to the tougher the times..but we learn..
We live...
     We love...
    In the nasty game of love, you learn what it means to give your heart away, and learn how to take it back. We learn that giving away a heart isn't so bad...until it's broken. You learn that sometimes, loving someone isn't always enough. You learn that no matter how much you love someone, you can't make them love you back and if you don't love them, you can't make yourself feel ways that you don't. You learn who truly loves you and who doesn't. You learn that if they never loved you, there was no point in it at all. Remember that sometimes we cant help but love those that destroy us.
    But, when it comes to love, you realize just how good it can make you feel. You can see just how good it can be for your soul. Sometimes loving someone makes you feel better about yourself  and the person that you are when you are with them.  If someone truly loves you, then they love the flaws too..they see past them and see the person you truly are. There's no better feeling than that kind of love. There's nothing better than knowing that you have someone in your life who makes you a better person inside and out, and that just maybe, you make that person feel better too. That they feel like a better person because of who they are when they are with you. You never learn how to stop loving.
    You never learn how to stop learning.
    You never learn how to stop living.
     There's no rule book on life. There's no rule book on love. And, there's no rule book on how to learn, you just do by your experiences, by your trials, and by your faith in all that exists.
                                              *That's why they say you live, your learn, you love.* 

Ok, now that my introduction is out of the way....


I'm sitting at work and have about a million things going through my head at all times. So many, that I'm not sure exactly where to start. I guess I'll start with my present issue. I'm about 14 weeks into my first pregnancy and although I'm happy and I wanted this...I'm terrified out of my freakin mind and no one knows it...well, I'm sure someone will now, but the people who are closest to me don't. There's no reason to freak them out with all my worrying and questioning. I'm supposed to be excited about this and I find myself trying to make myself excited. Maybe it's because I don't know what I'm having or maybe because I've only been to the dr once since we found out and I have no clue whats going on. I hate to say it, but I'm a glass half empty kind of person. Not very optimistic...and I have this fear that although I've heard a heartbeat, things could always not work out and me never know it.
I hate to say that, but it happens so often without warning signs...I go back to the dr on Valentines day, and I hope that there will be good news...if for some reason it's bad, Valentines day will definitely go in the books as the most hated "holiday" ever...I'm already not a big fan of it anyway...totally over-rated. And the significant other doesn't always help either. He doesn't like to think before he speaks and although the things he's said has been jokingly, they still kind of hurt simply because I already feel like an unattractive pregnant girl and I have this nagging fear of the past repeating itself. We've come a long way in the last year, but my heart will never heal from the pain he caused and I'm scared that I may become something he won't want after our child arrives. Will I still be "pretty" to him? He never says it now so will I hear it then? Oh here go the hormones...really?
I know that I should pray about it, but I'm tired of praying about it. I feel so selfish when I pray about those kind of things. I feel like I have no right to pray for myself when there's better things to pray about. I need to pray for others and for world peace...its just selfish to pray for myself when there's so much wrong with everything else. I also have this fear that my want to be a mother won't make me a good mother. I know that this doesnt come with a handbook and I know how I want to raise my child, but can I do it? Can I do it as well as my Aunt did with me? Just so many thoughts and so many fears. Oh and to top some of that off, and trust me I know I shouldn't feel this way, but have you ever felt guilty for having something someone else can't? I do. One of my best friends is having trouble and I feel so guilty that I'm getting to experience this and she isn't. She almost did and had complications which is what I fear with myself, but I really do feel guilty that it's me and not her having this little miracle. I know her time will come when it's supposed to, but I can see the pain it brings her and thats why it hurts me. It's hard for me to talk to her about any of it because I know what she's feeling...I can see it in her eyes.
HMM....how do I make some of this get better? How do I cope with my fears and let them go and how do I make myself feel ok around my friend whose hurting?

I hope for this to be a place for me to share my thoughts or to write things without judgment. I like to write and get my thoughts down somewhere...sometimes there's a deep meaning and sometimes its just to vent. Either way, to me, it's a way to deal with things other than "talking". A lot of times it helps me more to write it down and to never speak of it than it ever will talking about it. I hope to pass along past experiences, present times and question my future (which by the way is totally freaking me out). I think I will find this better therapy than retail therapy!! :)