Ok, now that my introduction is out of the way....


I'm sitting at work and have about a million things going through my head at all times. So many, that I'm not sure exactly where to start. I guess I'll start with my present issue. I'm about 14 weeks into my first pregnancy and although I'm happy and I wanted this...I'm terrified out of my freakin mind and no one knows it...well, I'm sure someone will now, but the people who are closest to me don't. There's no reason to freak them out with all my worrying and questioning. I'm supposed to be excited about this and I find myself trying to make myself excited. Maybe it's because I don't know what I'm having or maybe because I've only been to the dr once since we found out and I have no clue whats going on. I hate to say it, but I'm a glass half empty kind of person. Not very optimistic...and I have this fear that although I've heard a heartbeat, things could always not work out and me never know it.
I hate to say that, but it happens so often without warning signs...I go back to the dr on Valentines day, and I hope that there will be good news...if for some reason it's bad, Valentines day will definitely go in the books as the most hated "holiday" ever...I'm already not a big fan of it anyway...totally over-rated. And the significant other doesn't always help either. He doesn't like to think before he speaks and although the things he's said has been jokingly, they still kind of hurt simply because I already feel like an unattractive pregnant girl and I have this nagging fear of the past repeating itself. We've come a long way in the last year, but my heart will never heal from the pain he caused and I'm scared that I may become something he won't want after our child arrives. Will I still be "pretty" to him? He never says it now so will I hear it then? Oh here go the hormones...really?
I know that I should pray about it, but I'm tired of praying about it. I feel so selfish when I pray about those kind of things. I feel like I have no right to pray for myself when there's better things to pray about. I need to pray for others and for world peace...its just selfish to pray for myself when there's so much wrong with everything else. I also have this fear that my want to be a mother won't make me a good mother. I know that this doesnt come with a handbook and I know how I want to raise my child, but can I do it? Can I do it as well as my Aunt did with me? Just so many thoughts and so many fears. Oh and to top some of that off, and trust me I know I shouldn't feel this way, but have you ever felt guilty for having something someone else can't? I do. One of my best friends is having trouble and I feel so guilty that I'm getting to experience this and she isn't. She almost did and had complications which is what I fear with myself, but I really do feel guilty that it's me and not her having this little miracle. I know her time will come when it's supposed to, but I can see the pain it brings her and thats why it hurts me. It's hard for me to talk to her about any of it because I know what she's feeling...I can see it in her eyes.
HMM....how do I make some of this get better? How do I cope with my fears and let them go and how do I make myself feel ok around my friend whose hurting?